; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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