Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize