if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
