Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
