When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
