She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
