I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
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