I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
