Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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