Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
