I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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