True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
