I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
