So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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