I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
