Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
