Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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