Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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