Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize
