i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Never joke about your clitoris.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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