My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
