pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
