Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
