he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
