The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
