there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
