I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
