I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
