my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
