oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize