I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
