Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
