just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
