Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
