my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
