in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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