it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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