I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
well most of my day revolves around power hour
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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