A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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