...so i touched it.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
