My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize