my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
