i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
