I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
