i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
