o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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