Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
