the new term for farting is butt boxing.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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