i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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