do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
