Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
