you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
