Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
