Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
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