So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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