i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
