i wish my penis had a tongue
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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