All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
