Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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