Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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