May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
